Yashamon's Humor Collection
by Yashamon
Summary: Just some funny, short, almost unrelated FF7 stories I threw together. Chapter 7 up. Enjoy and remember to submit those lovely review!
1. Millionth Bloopers

The Millionth FF7 Bloopers!  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own FF7 (if I did I wouldn't be on fanfiction.net) and I know this has been done a million times!  
  
Scene where AVALANCHE enters Mako Reactor #1 take 1  
  
Barret: Say I didn't catch your name.  
  
Cloud: Cindy!  
  
All: CINDY?!  
  
Director: Cut! Cin-err Cloud, don't use the name customize!  
  
Cloud: Sorry.  
  
Scene where AVALANCHE enters Mako Reactor #1 take 2  
  
Barret: Say I didn't catch your name.  
  
Cloud: Cloud, and you?  
  
Barret: Carl.  
  
Director: Clutches head AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!  
  
Scene where AVALANCHE enters Mako Reactor #1 take 3  
  
Barret: Say I didn't catch your name.  
  
Cloud: Cloud, and you?  
  
Barret: Barret.  
  
Jessie: -_-;Hey guys, I can't get the door to open.  
  
All: MAJOR sweatdrop. . .  
  
Director: Oh Fuck it all, go to the next scene!  
  
Scene on balcony with Rufus take 1  
  
Rufus: Who are you people?  
  
Cloud: Ex-Soldier, first class.  
  
Barret: I'm with AVALANCHE!  
  
Tifa: Me too.  
  
Aeris: A flower girl from the slums.  
  
Red XIII: A research specimen.  
  
Rufus: What a cr-  
  
Cait Sith: Some stuffed robot.  
  
Yuffie: The Lady of Wutai.  
  
Cid: A fuckin' Astronaught that never made it to space.  
  
Vincent: A zombie.  
  
Rufus: What the hell are the rest of you doing here?  
  
CS Y C & V: I dunno!  
  
All: ACK!  
  
Scene on balcony with Rufus take 2  
  
Director: Where's Rufus?  
  
Cloud: Oh his dog-thing-  
  
Red XIII: I'm not a dog.  
  
Cloud: Not you, the black thing-  
  
Barret: Hey!  
  
Cloud: . . . His attack dog got sick so he had to take it to the vet.  
  
Director: Well where the hell are we gonna find a replacement of equal weirdness?  
  
All: stare at Vincent  
  
Scene on balcony with Rufus take 3  
  
Vincent in Rufus suit: is huddled in corner Lucrecia, forgive me my sin of dressing like a gay, blonde, stupid Shin-ra president.  
  
Tifa: pats Vincent on the back There, there. If you cheer up and say your lines right I'll let you touch my fake breasts.  
  
Vincent: Sure!  
  
Aeris: whispers to Cloud What was she like before the insertions?  
  
Cloud: whispers back flat as cardboard.  
  
Scene goes as normal except Vincent slips in the word "Evil" every sentence.  
  
Scene on balcony with Rufus take 4  
  
Rufus: Who are you people?  
  
Cloud: Ex-Soldier first class.  
  
Barret: I'm from AVALANCHE.  
  
Tifa: Me too.  
  
Aeris: A flower girl from the slums.  
  
Red XIII: A research specimen.  
  
Rufus: What a crew, but since your all here I'll make my inauguration speech. makes really long speech I don't remember a word of  
  
Cloud: Barret, get Aeris outta here, this is a real crisis for the planet.  
  
Barret: What the hell's that supposed to mean?  
  
Cloud: Never mind, just get out of here!  
  
All: leave  
  
Cloud: Is everyone gone?  
  
Rufus: Yeah, I think  
  
Rufus & Cloud begin making out.  
  
Director: Ahem! Me and the crew are still here.  
  
Rufus: Oops.  
  
Cloud: Shit, now every-fuckin'-one's gonna know we're goddamn homos!  
  
Cid: heh-heh, you talk like me!  
  
Scene at Gold Saucer where Cloud meets Dio take 1  
  
Cloud: Excuse me sir, did you see a man in a black cape come by here?  
  
Dio: Yes, he's buried under that pack of rabid fan girls! point's over shoulder to what looks like wild animals tearing off locks of Sephiroth's hair and clothing.  
  
Sephiroth: HELP ME!!!!! chops up fan girls w/ masamune but they keep coming back to life  
  
All wince Ouch.  
  
Director: Very good, cut and print!  
  
Aeris' death scene (the very same one done by every blooper author) take 1  
  
Aeris: praying  
  
Sephiroth drops from the sky, falls a little short and lands in the water.  
  
All laugh hysterically.  
  
Director: Ha-Ha-Ha! Oh my laugh god! laugh That was funny shit! bursts out laughing again  
  
An angry and wet Sephiroth crawls out of the water and chops Aeris in half.  
  
Everyone rushes to Aeris.  
  
Director: Holy Bahumet! You really killed her! Someone get a sewing machine, we got a lot of fixin' to do!  
  
Aeris' death scene (the very same one done by every blooper author) take 2  
  
Aeris: praying  
  
Sephiroth drops from the sky and impales her.  
  
Cloud: I summon Pheonix!  
  
Pheonix revives Aeris and knocks out Sephiroth.  
  
Cloud: Hah!  
  
Director: Cloud, Your supposed to leave her dead!  
  
Cloud: But she was the only healer in my party!  
  
Director: Take 3 when Sephiroth recovers, leers at Cloud if ever.  
  
Aeris' death scene (the very same one done by every blooper author) take 3  
  
Aeris: praying  
  
Sephiroth is dropping but gets tackled by fan girls out of mid-air. Sephiroth is mortally bleeding and lacerated in several places: Not again!!!  
  
Aeris' death scene (the very same one done by every blooper author) take 4  
  
Aeris: praying  
  
Sephiroth drops from the sky and impales Aeris. Everything goes perfect up to the emotional part.  
  
Rufus: charges in from off stage and beats Cloud half to death Your cheating on me with that Aeris Bitch!  
  
Cloud: talking while being punched Ow!-It's-Ow!-just-Ow!-my-Ow-Lines!  
  
Rufus: stops punching Oh, Okay :)  
  
Director: Ahhh, close enough!  
  
Scene W/ Tifa in the gas chamber take 1  
  
Barret: Uh, someone help, I can't find the door!  
  
Cait Sith & Tifa: Hurry you Macho dumb-shit!  
  
*15 minutes later Barret finds door*  
  
Barret: looks in Uh, Mr. Director bub I think we lost another one. . .  
  
Director: Oh for the love of Shiva! slaps forehead  
  
Scene W/ Tifa in the gas chamber take 2  
  
Barret: Hey, what are my lines again?  
  
Director: Oh man! Everyone let's just skip this!  
  
Scene where Reno knocks Don Corneo of the Cliff take 1  
  
Reno: Do you know why we're doing this? 1.I'm Clueless 2.I'm sure I'll win 3.Iv lost the will to live  
  
Don Corneo: Uh #2.?  
  
Reno: Nope. knocks Don Corneo to an obviously bloody death I'm doin' this to get head from Elenore.  
  
Elenore: Pervert! kicks Reno off the cliff too  
  
Barret: Well that's the third one lost.  
  
Cid: Hey, Elenore how about some "Highwind-action"?  
  
Elenore: Pleasure me space-boy!  
  
Director: covers eyes Could you two do that off-screen?  
  
Both: No!  
  
Director: That's it! I quit!  
  
THE END  
  
A/N: Sorry people, but I'm out of ideas I hope you liked. Bye-bye! 


	2. Rufus' Adventure

Rufus's Adventure In the Land of Pain  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own FF7 (duh).  
  
Diamond Weapon's final attack cut through the Shin-Ra building's top ten floors. Blazing energy struck Rufus hard. He was in immense pain.  
  
Two months later. . .  
  
Rufus woke up on a beach with flaming red sand. "Ugh! Am I dead or dreaming?" he wondered aloud then looked around. Wait! That wasn't sand he was standing on, he was standing on- "Crabs!" He yelled as the red sea- devils pinched his legs. Hard. He was in immense pain. "EEEEKKK!!!" Rufus screeched like a little girl as he ran as fast as he could to get off of the evil beach. Once he was a good ways off of the beach he pointed at no where specific and exclaimed "Hah! You suck Diamond weapon! I'm still alive!. . ." After he was through mocking Diamond Weapon he set out to find a city.  
  
A few hours later. . .  
  
Rufus found a village. It looked very Chinese. Ooooooh! This looks like a nice village rally support from. He thought. Sadly he missed the sign that said "Now Entering Wutai Stay out Shin-Ra ass holes! Sincerely Yuffie Kisiragi"  
  
Rufus walked up to an elderly woman. "Exscuse me mam, do you know where I might find a podium?" he asked. The lady turned to see his face and ran yelling "Hey, everyone come on out! Rufus Shin-Ra is here!" Off to get the other villagers to hear my speech I guess. Soon the entire village was gathered around him. "Good people of this Chinese lookin' place-" Rufus began completely oblivious to the fact that the entire Wutai was carrying their pitch forks and torches. "Get him!!!" yelled the old lady. The entire village fell upon him with their weapons of Rufus-destruction. He was in immense pain. However, He used his shotgun to pave a path out of the mob. They chased Rufus all the way to one of the bridges near Wutai which collapsed after he crossed it. "Hah! You Suck you weirdos! I'm still ali-" He began making fun of Wutai but one of them threw a torch at him and he was set on fire. He was in, you guessed it, immense pain.  
  
In the course of eight months Rufus Shin-Ra was attacked by 5 cities, 39 sharks, Emerald Weapon and 1 Mog. He was set on fire on 2 occasions and hit by 4 nuclear weapons. He was in immense pain. Finally he made it back to Midgar and met by Scarlet and Heidigger. "Sir, we searched for you for weeks on end but couldn't find you." They said in unison. "I'm here aren't I? Now get the people of the world assembled or something. My trigger finger is itchy" "Yes sir! (insert annoying laugh here: Gya ha ha ha or Kya ha ha ha)." Rufus's ears were in immense pain. "Man, my head hurt less in the Wutai, I'm gettin' outta' here!"  
  
The End 


	3. Money Trouble

Financial Fiasco 7  
  
Disclaimer: . . . Ugh! I've written these things sooooooooooooooooo many times. You should know by now Squaresoft owns FF7 and I don't!  
  
Turks are at a bar drunk because they're near broke.  
  
Reno: Ugh! This sucks! chugs beer in one gulp Drink please. We're stuck without a job and no money!  
  
Elena:slurred voice ::hic:: But wait. . . ::hic:: I thought ::hic:: we were ::hic:: still employed at ::hic:: Squaresoft. ::hic-hic-hic::  
  
Rude: . . .  
  
Reno: We're outta' a job cause. . . swallows another one the Final Fantasy 7 project ended four years ago.  
  
Elena: voice still slurred Whu? What's ::hic:: Final ::hic:: Fantasy ::hic:: 7? ::hic::  
  
Reno: Uh. . . I mean . . . uh . . . Shin-Ra division closed down. Yeah! doesn't want to give away secret that they're all just wee-tiny pixels on your computer  
  
Rude: . . .  
  
Reno: ::hic::  
  
Elena: ::hic::  
  
Reno: ::hic::  
  
Elena: ::hic::  
  
Reno: ::hic-hic-hic::  
  
Elena and Reno pass out 'cause they're so drunk and Rude (who is still sober) drags 'em back home.  
  
At Turks' house after Elena and Reno wake up.  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Elena: Hey Reno?  
  
Reno: drinks bottle of wine Huh?  
  
Elena: Why don't we have any money?  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Reno: drinks a whole six-pack Uh. . . Wuh?  
  
Elena: hits Reno over the head  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Reno: drinks rubbing alcohol Oh yeah!. . . We ::hic:: lost our jobs.  
  
Phone: Ring!  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Elena: I'm not getting' it!  
  
Phone: Ring!  
  
Reno: I'll ::hic get it. gets up and answers phone Yo, ::hic:: Turks here.  
  
Rufus: over phone Hey. It's Rufus, me and the guys at Square are gonna-  
  
Reno: Hiya, ::hic:: lurv cake. Wutcha' ::hic:: up to ::hic:: sexy?  
  
Rufus:. . . re-hire. . . you? raises eyebrow and hangs up Weirdo. . .  
  
Elena: Who was it?  
  
Reno: I think it ::hic:: was Elena. ::hic:: Only she got ::hic:: a ::hic:: voice so sexy. ::hic::  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Elena: gets up and punches Reno in the face  
  
Reno: HA-HAH HA!falls on floor laughingkeeps laughing 'til he faints for no reason  
  
Elena:slaps Reno until he wakes up  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Reno: Ow! My cheeks hurt! rubs red left cheek  
  
Elena: Okay! Down to business! What are we gonna do about money?  
  
Reno: First we'll need a job.  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Elena: But what?  
  
The Turks think (probably for the first time in their lives) long and hard.  
  
Two days later. . .  
  
Elena: I've got it! returns a few hours later with a big pile of weapons Reno! Sell these! Rude! Advertise! Elena thinks: Rude cups hands to mouth and goes ". . ." On second thought, Reno, you advertise 'em.  
  
Reno: OK!  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
A little while later. . .  
  
Reno: yelling Get yer weapons! Get yer weapons! REAL cheap! We got Ragnaroks, Mops, and Wizard Staffs! Get yer weapons!  
  
Guy: Ooooooh! I'll take one of these and two of these! to Rude Okay cashier, ring me up!  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Guy: C'mon mister! How much is this stuff?  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Guy: drops stuff FINE! I'm outta' here! You don't need to be RUDE! guy walks away muttering about the silent treatment  
  
Rude:. . . ;_; but no one can tell  
  
Police: walk up Ah, the Turks. Come with us, you're under arrest for weapons theft from Shin-Ra inc.  
  
Turks raise hands.  
  
Reno: Say, Elena?  
  
Elena: Yeah?  
  
Reno: Where did you get those weapons?  
  
Elena: Oh. I found 'em lying around in some room in Shin-Ra HQ.  
  
Reno, Police, and Rude:. . .  
  
Elena: meek voice Oops.  
  
Turks in jail. . .  
  
Reno: is jumping around like he's crazy I can't take prison anymore! I've been in here too long! I'm goin' mad, mad I tell 'ya MAD!!! turns to Elena and Rude And you. . . YOU TWO CONSPIRED AGAINST ME!  
  
Guard: Enjoying your first five minutes?  
  
Reno: is choking Elena and Rude Yup! :)   
  
Elena: Ack.  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Guard: unlocks cell Well, someone paid your bail. You're free to go.  
  
Reno: drops Elena and Rude Oh poo, I was having fun.  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Elena: But who could've paid the completely non-existent bail for theft and sale of weaponry?  
  
?????: is wheeled in on a wheelchair Hey guys! Longtime no see.  
  
Reno and Elena: Tseng!  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Tseng: Yup, alive and kicking. kicks guard in shin  
  
Rude:. . .  
  
Elena: But Tseng, how did you survive a masamune stab?  
  
Tseng: opens up shirt and there is a hole in his stomach Thanks to the miracles of modern medicine, I survived. Sadly, every day I have to clean the hole in my gut out after every meal or the flow of food is clogged. . .  
  
All: Ewwwwwww! well, Rude just went ". . ."  
  
Tseng: And I used the last of my money just to bail you guys out.  
  
Back at Turks' house. . .  
  
All are drunk except Rude  
  
Tseng: So, uh ::hic:: how have you guys ::hic:: been? ::hic-hic-hic::  
  
Reno: A lot worse than y- passes out  
  
Elena:voice slurred These last three days sucked. Heh-heh.  
  
Rude: Our Financial situation would be considered ridiculous and comical by our society's slowly declining sense of humor. Also Reno's ability to be constantly drunk and always pass out is considered funny. Combined, these two elements have led us on a stupid quest to become richer, and in the end we've emerged poorer than we began.  
  
All: puzzled look Where did that come from?!  
  
Rude: Uh, I mean. . .  
  
THE END 


	4. FFCBUBY

To all of my readers, I realize there are a lot of characters I don't use in my stories very often. This is my way to give you more of the characters you love  
  
F.F.C.B.U.B.Y.  
  
Red XIII and Aeris are walking together and talking. . .  
  
Red: Hey Aeris, have you ever noticed how our author-god, Yashamon, never really uses us as major characters in any of his fics?  
  
Aeris: stops to think You know you're right Red. starts walking again He never does. It's kind of annoying.  
  
Red: Gonna do something about it?  
  
Aeris: What do you have in mind?  
  
Red: Hmmm. . .  
  
In front of Square Soft HQ. . .  
  
Red and Aeris are sitting at a desk outside  
  
Aeris: Well, I've put up posters but I have one question. . .  
  
Red: That being? (A/N: how the hell would he sit in a chair?)  
  
Aeris: What's fuck baby or whatever?  
  
Red: annoyed look It's F.F.C.B.U.B.Y. Final Fantasy Characters Barely Used By Yashamon.  
  
Aeris: So when do you think everyone else is gonna' figure that out?  
  
Suddenly a mile long line of Final Fantasy characters shows up.  
  
Red: looks at first person in line And your name is?  
  
?????: Squall.  
  
Red: Oh, no you don't! only Final Fantasy SEVEN characters aloud. Aeris, go get 'em, go get 'em girl! points to line  
  
Aeris: on all-fours Ruff!  
  
Aeris runs around barking like an idiot and chases away everyone except FF7 cast.  
  
Red: rubs Aeris's head like she's a puppy Good girl!  
  
Aeris: Bark!  
  
The line now consists of Barret, Tifa, Yuffie, Cid, Vincent, Cait Sith, Heidegger, and Scarlet.  
  
Red: No one with annoying laughs either.  
  
Heidegger and Scarlet look crestfallen and leave, heads down.  
  
Later in front of my house. . .  
  
F.F.C.B.U.B.Y. members are parading on my lawn with signs and yelling.  
  
Red: sign reads: Give us more roles!  
  
Aeris: sign reads: Less Cloud!. . .  
  
Tifa: sign reads: . . . More of us!  
  
Yuffie: sign reads: I want more Materia  
  
Vincent: sign reads: Lucrecia died from fanfic exclusion!  
  
Barret: sign reads: More support character-oriented fics!  
  
Cid: sign reads: @#$%* @#$%* @#$%*  
  
Cait Sith: sign reads: Your future holds a strike  
  
All: chanting Write about us! Write about us! Write about us!  
  
Sephiroth: Sign reads: I have more fans than Cloud! Go to hell Yashamon!  
  
All: turn towards Sephiroth Ouch. Looks like he got you too.  
  
Sephiroth: Yes. . .sad face  
  
Me: Bursts out window with shotgun in Fuzzy Lumpkins voice (PPG) GET OFF O MA' PROPERTY!  
  
Over time the F.F.C.B.U.B.Y. grew in popularity and gathered many supporters including Squall of FF8 and undead, farting monkeys from the netherworld.  
  
At a TV studio. . .  
  
Announcer guy: And now, everyone's least favorite interview show. . . Aema and the Stars!  
  
Aema: walks on to stage and sits down Hello everyone I'm Aema Moron and today I'll be interviewing a very popular group of weirdoes who were abandon in most of Yashamon's humor collection. . . The F.F.C.B.U.B.Y.! Come on down guys.  
  
F.F.C.B.U.B.Y. walks on stage and says hi.  
  
Red: Greetings.  
  
Aeris: Hello.  
  
Barret: Yo miss Moron.  
  
Aema: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! Your gonna die! grabs Vincent's death penalty and goes psychotic on Barret.  
  
Vincent: Hey! That's mine!  
  
Barret: is being assaulted by a gun bearing Moron HELP ME! Damn! Get 'da Moron off!  
  
Cait Sith: Um. . . Barret would this be a bad time to tell you your fortune holds gun-bearing psycho TV show hosts?  
  
Barret: has what little hair he has torn off No shit dumb cat-spy!  
  
Cait Sith: I've got such great friends. tear  
  
Vincent: snatches back weapon and shoots Cait Die evil being!  
  
Barret: is still being attacked by Aema Hey lady! Get off! I wus jes' sayin' yer last name!  
  
Aema: ^_^ Okay! gets back in chair  
  
Cid: slaps Aema's butt Hey Bitch!  
  
Aema: attacks Cid NO SALVATION FOR YOU!!!  
  
Sephiroth: Uh, I guess we should skip the "hellos?"  
  
Yuffie: You said it.  
  
Tifa: I'm all for that.  
  
C.S.: Hi, I'm Cait Sith #3!  
  
Sephiroth and Vincent: Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!! Evil cat returns!  
  
C.S.: chases Vincent and Sephiroth around the stage C'mon, gimme a hug!  
  
Yuffie: Um. . . Who's up for coffee?  
  
Tifa and Aeris: ME!  
  
The girls run and come back to see the bloody conflicts have yet to resolve  
  
Red: is just sitting there What Freaks.  
  
Yuffie:. . .  
  
Red:. . .  
  
Aeris:. . .  
  
Tifa:. . .  
  
Yuffie:. . .  
  
Red:. . .  
  
Aeris:. . .  
  
Tifa:. . . Uh. . . I've got it!  
  
Yuffie: What a brain?  
  
Aeris: A life?  
  
Red: A firefly?  
  
Tifa: Noooooooooooo, but close! We should do our own show!  
  
Aeris: Like a square of girls thing?  
  
Red: I'm not a girl.  
  
Tifa: grabs a Ragnarok sword from who-knows-where You will be unless you join in!  
  
Red:. . .O. . .K. . .  
  
Yuffie: ^_^ Yay!  
  
Aeris, Red, Yuffie, and Tifa sit in a square.  
  
Tifa: Okay! I ask first question! Aeris, how are you back alive?  
  
Aeris: I never died. That idiot, Cloud nearly drowned me!  
  
All: O_O   
  
Aeris: Okay, Yuffie. Who do you like better Vincent or Red?  
  
Yuffie: -_-;; Uh. . . Well Vinnie's just freaky and gothic and FOR GOD'S SAKE WHEN WILL HE EVER GET OVER THAT DEAD LADY!? Red on the other hand is an animal, and I don't like it animal style. Soooooooooooo. . . I'd have to say Vincent.  
  
Red: I have a question.  
  
Tifa: What?  
  
Red: WHEN'S THIS STUPID FIC GONNA END!?!?  
  
The End  
  
Sephiroth: You know, I still don't feel like I got an important part in one of Yashamon's fic.  
  
Me: Well piss off, you'll get a better part in chapter 5. Bye all! 


	5. Bitch Fight Battle Royale

Bitch Fight Battle Royale  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 7, zoids, or Prozac or anything else except me & Tim.  
  
Somewhere a TV turns on. . .  
  
And now, two idiots, a boxing ring, and the cast of Final Fantasy 7 presents  
  
BITCH FIGHT BATTLE ROYALE!  
  
Tim (my imaginary announcer friend): Hello nonexistent viewers and welcome to Bitch Fight Battle Royale. Tonight's matches promise to make an interesting show, right Yashamon?  
  
Me: Uh, yeah whatever. Okay, the first battle of tonight is an old rivalry, Tifa versus Scarlet. Let's look in on the ring.  
  
In Ring. . .  
  
Crowds: Blood! Death! Bitch Slapping!  
  
Ref.: In corner one, we have the big titted, tiny brained. . . Tifa Lockheart!  
  
Tifa walks in, Aeris is manager. Tifa gets in ring and starts to take off robe that she doesn't have.  
  
Aeris: Tifa, your not wearing a robe like those boxers on TV!  
  
Tifa: Oops! blushes starts putting clothes back on  
  
Audience: drooling  
  
Ref.: Uh. . .huh. Our next competitor is the one-and-only annoying bitch, Scarlet!  
  
Scarlet gets into ring, Rufus is manager.  
  
Audience: throws rotten fruit at Rufus  
  
Rufus: HEY! Now I've got veggie stains on my coat! I'll have you all killed!  
  
Rufus's hit men: throws rotten fruit at Rufus  
  
Ref.: throws a tomato at Rufus Fighters ready?  
  
Tifa and Scarlet point at each other: YOU!  
  
Tifa: walks to center of the ring You bitch! I'm gonna kick your ass for slapping me in a gas chamber!  
  
Scarlet: walks to center of ring Little lesbian! I'll bitch slap you to the ground!  
  
Tifa: I'm a bi!  
  
Ref.: Um. . . go?  
  
Tifa: slaps Scarlet Take that pimp witch!  
  
Scarlet: slaps Tifa Die gold-studded dyke! (A/N: thank you Knightmare)  
  
Tifa: ARGH! YOUR GOIN DOWN! slaps Scarlet  
  
Scarlet: You wanna piece of me lesbian?! slaps Tifa  
  
Tifa: slaps Scarlet I'm a bisexual damnit!  
  
Scarlet: slaps Tifa Lesbo! slaps Tifa Lesbo! slaps Tifa Lesbo! slaps Tifa Lesbo!  
  
Tifa: FOR THE LAST TIME, I'M A BI! literally slaps Scarlet's face off There's a difference!  
  
Ref.: Holy shit! You killed Scarlet! You Lesbian!  
  
Tifa: raises hand menacingly  
  
Ref.: cowers Uh, never mind. . . You win.  
  
Back in announcer's box. . .  
  
Me: Um. . . that was weird.  
  
Tim: Your right, that was one hell of a fight.  
  
Me: I said it was weird. . .  
  
Tim: laughs I know, the last part cracked me up too.  
  
Me: Something tells me your not listening to a word I say.  
  
Tim: I know how much you like talking about the fights-  
  
Me: I despise it.  
  
Tim: -but we're gonna have to go to a commercial.  
  
Me: GOOD!  
  
.:Begin Commercials:.  
  
Cloud: Hey, Vinnie, I found this product you might like!  
  
Vincent: I hate everything, go away!  
  
Sephiroth: You'll take it damn you!  
  
Cloud and Sephiroth shove a 3000 ounce dose of Prozac down Vincent's throat.  
  
Six months later with the patient  
  
Vincent: That was the worst shit I ever took! However it gave me a mildly good outlook on life.  
  
.:End Commercial:.  
  
Tim: We're back and my that was one good commercial.  
  
Me: Bull shit. The acting was terrible and that stuff gave me insomnia.(A/N: It's true)  
  
Tim: Alright, on to round two, Palmer versus Cid.  
  
Me: sarcastically Oh it's gonna be a long fight. It'll probably be super cool too.  
  
Tim: Well, I think so to-  
  
Me: YEAH-FUCKIN'- RIGHT! It'll take Cid two seconds to finish that fat bastard! All my money's on Cid!  
  
Tim: It's a bet.  
  
Me: Wuh?!  
  
In the Ring. . .  
  
Audience: PALMER! PALMER! PALMER!  
  
Palmer jumps into the ring and farts.  
  
Audience: passes out from stench  
  
Cid gets in the ring.  
  
Ref.: Alright, fight fair, no pooping on or eating your foe, got it Palmer? Go!  
  
Cid jumps at palmer, Dragoon Lance first, but Palmer climbs on the corner- type thing and jumps on Cid.  
  
Cid: back breaks Ack, medic!  
  
Palmer: Say uncle or I'll fart up yer arse!  
  
Cid: winces Ewww! UNCLE!  
  
Ref.: Palmer wins!  
  
Palmer: gets off Cid Ooooooooooh! Where's Yer Shiter? I got a wee turtle head pokin' out!  
  
Back in announcer's box. . .  
  
Me: That fight was disgusting, stupid, and harsh. Cid didn't even win!  
  
Tim: You were right about one thing, the fight did only take two seconds, now pay up.  
  
Me: hands over thirty six dollars mumbles about Austin Powers  
  
Tim: flipping through cash Okeydoke, now for a commercial.  
  
.:Begin Commercial:.  
  
Sephiroth is in some building.  
  
Sephiroth: Hello, I'm Sephiroth, and I'm here to represent Hair Twins Inc. starts walking around, in background are people with similar hair to each other I thought I was alone in the universe, the only man with cool silver hair. Then I came to Hair Twins Inc. I met this guy! grabs Prozen from Zoids  
  
Prozen: Hi kids, I'm gonna take over the world like my good pal, Sephy. To meet your ideal hair twin call 1-555-4-dead-#s.  
  
.:End Commercial:.  
  
Me: Um. . . Yeah. . .  
  
Tim: You said it Yashamon, The next match is definitely gonna be exciting, romantic, brave, and cool, minus the romantic: Sephiroth versus Clod.  
  
Me: His name is Cloud.  
  
Tim: That doesn't change the fact that he's as good at fighting as a clod of dirt.  
  
Me: Oh, and I suppose you could do much better?  
  
Tim: Yes! ^_^  
  
Me:. . .Okay. . . On with the show.  
  
In the Ring. . .  
  
Cloud: skips into the ring in his dress and wig giggles  
  
Sephiroth: whistles slaps Cloud's butt Hey sexy, you one of my cheer leaders?  
  
Cloud: Grrrrrr! throws off wig It's me, Cloud!  
  
Sephiroth: looks at hand I'm gonna have to get that thing sterilized! looks back at Cloud So why are you in a dress?  
  
Cloud: Aeris stole my other out fit. . .  
  
Sephiroth: Why don't you fight in your undies?  
  
Cloud: Ewwww! No!  
  
Sephiroth: I will if you will.  
  
Cloud: Hell no yaoi-freak!  
  
Ref.: This is getting weird, just fight.  
  
Cloud: Okay, unsheathes Ultima Weapon you're goin' down Sephagget! charges Sephiroth  
  
Sephiroth: Arise, Death Saurer! Death Saurer pops out of the ground Thank you hair-twin Prozen.  
  
Prozen: smiles and waves  
  
Cloud: manages to clip Death Saurer's toe claw Take that crappy anime!  
  
Me: from announcer's box Cloud, your gonna pay!  
  
Death Saurer: ROAR!!!!! fires charged particle gun at Cloud  
  
Aeris: uses mastered Cover Materia gets blown to bits uses Final Attack/Mime Materia combo  
  
All: Yay!  
  
Death Saurer gets blown to bits.  
  
All: BOO!!!  
  
Cloud: Perfect! charges Sephiroth again  
  
Sephiroth: Ha! You're no match for my evil mind powers! radiates psychic energy  
  
Tim: from announcer's box Yay!  
  
Me: from announcer's box Sephiroth, hold him still for me! jumps through glass and lands in ring  
  
Sephiroth: Okay.  
  
Cloud: is stuck in place because of Sephiroth's evil mind powers Help! I know what you're up to. Help, Rape!  
  
Me: Wrongo! grabs masamune slashes Cloud Take that- slashes Cloud You evil- slashes Cloud Anime-hater! slashes Cloud  
  
Ref .: That there was some weird shit! Sephiroth wins!  
  
Tim: Cloud should have won.  
  
Me: Shut up!  
  
Tim: No, really I'm serious.  
  
Me: through gritted teeth Grr! Join us next time for round 4, "Battle of the Bahamuts"  
  
Tim: Go FF10 Bahamut!  
  
Me: That's it, back to the dimension you came from! imagines Tim away  
  
In Half-Life: Team Fortress. . .  
  
Tim: Aw, Crap! runs for life from pyro  
  
A/N: Weird, deranged, psycho and any other synonyms for abnormal describe this story. 


	6. It Has Your Eyes

It Has Your Eyes  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own FF7 (Of course that should have been obvious to you by now)  
  
A/N: This is a weird idea that came to me out of no where.  
  
In Costa De Sol, in a new house. . .  
  
Month 3  
  
Cloud and Vincent: WHAT!? Your pregnant!?  
  
Yuffie: ^_^ Yup!  
  
Cloud: I always wanted a child! All that time with Yuffie is finally payin' off!  
  
Vincent: Wait, wait, wait. How do you know the child is YOURS ?  
  
Cloud: getting angry Duh, cause I been sleepin' with Yuffie!  
  
Vincent: What sleep-rape or something? She would never be with you.  
  
Cloud: puffing steam And how would you know?!  
  
Vincent: still calm and collected Sits down and crosses arms because she told me.  
  
Cloud: VERY pissed off WHEN?!  
  
Vincent: In bed.  
  
Yuffie: is watching with Cid, very amused  
  
Barret: walks in because he heard yelling What's goin' on in here?  
  
Cid: Cloud and Vincent are arguing over who the father is of Yuffie's baby.  
  
Barret: Damn, I didn't know Yuffie was havin' a kid.  
  
Yuffie: ^_^Yup!  
  
Barret: This should be funny. sits down to watch  
  
Cloud: is storming around Vincent, the child is mine, and the plain fact is no one would ever love you! Let alone have a child with you!  
  
Vincent: gets up Oh that's it! Bring it on spike-boy!  
  
Cloud: unsheathes Ultima Weapon When I'm done with you, you won't be able to make babies if you wanted to! charges Vincent  
  
Vincent: shoots Cloud  
  
Cloud: on ground bleeding I. . . am. . . a dad.  
  
Vincent: steps on Cloud's nuts, HARD! (ouch) Well I'm here to make sure it's not a repeating process. grinds boot in then walks on Cloud  
  
Yuffie: yawns This is getting stupid, I'm going to bed.  
  
Cid: Uh. . . You woke up barely an hour ago, why are you going to bed already?  
  
Yuffie: drastic mood swing BECAUSEIFIDON'TGETSOMESLEEPYOURALLDEAD!!! yawns and goes off to bed.  
  
Barret: Wow, pregnant ladies get pissed pretty damn fast.  
  
In a department store somewhere. . .  
  
Month 6  
  
Video Aisle. . .  
  
Cid: puzzled look Since when was there a fuckin' department store on the goddamn nameless planet we live on?  
  
Barret: shrugs Beats me.  
  
Yuffie: picks up video Oooooh! "Giving Birth for teenage ninja-thief type characters in the nameless world FF7 takes place in," I'm gonna buy it!  
  
Cloud: How did we get dragged out here again?  
  
Group passes into next aisle.  
  
Vincent: She probably threatened to tell everyone how tiny your dick is.  
  
Cloud: puffing steam again And how would you know anything about that!?!?  
  
Yuffie: Ooooooooooooh! I gotta get bottles and baby clothes and diapers and. . . What are these? holds up Safer Sephiroth Condoms  
  
Cid: It's obvious you've never heard of safe sex Yuffie.  
  
Cloud: looks at box w/ a picture of Safer Sephiroth on it This is a dumb name.  
  
Vincent: What do you mean?  
  
Cloud: puts box down Think about it. The "Safer" part makes sense, but that guy wouldn't need a condom. He's got nothing down there.  
  
Vincent: Cloud, you are the one and only person ALIVE I know who would even think about looking at another guy's groin area in the middle of a battle.  
  
Cloud: under breath Hypocrite.  
  
Yuffie: And the dead being?  
  
Vincent: Rufus.  
  
Group passes into next aisle, frozen foods.  
  
Cloud: pushes Vincent in freezer and closes it So Yuffie?  
  
Yuffie: Yes? picks out coffee Ice Cream  
  
Cloud: loud enough for Vincent to hear What are WE going to name the baby?  
  
Vincent: fumes all frozen foods melt shoots out of fridge w/ Death Penalty CLOUD!!!  
  
Cloud: Uh-oh. I know what's coming now. huddles up  
  
Vincent: shoots Cloud until he's out of ammo then grabs a pair of spiked- boots from Yuffie's cart and begins to stomp on Cloud !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Cid, Barret, & Yuffie: wince Ouch.  
  
Yuffie: Uh. . . We'd better check out.  
  
Hospital. . .  
  
Month 9, end of pregnancy. . .  
  
Yuffie: shows baby to group Here's my first bundle of joy!  
  
Baby: *&%$@#*&%$#@*&%$#@  
  
All: smile Awww. . .  
  
Yuffie: It's name is Cid Jr., Cid honey.  
  
Cid: Yeah?  
  
Yuffie: It has your eyes.  
  
Barret: Yeah, and your mouth.  
  
Cloud: looks at Vincent It wasn't either of ours. . .  
  
Vincent: looks at Cloud We fought over nothing. . .  
  
Cloud & Vincent: join hands and start sobbing like crazy  
  
Vincent: I'm sorry Cloud. . .  
  
Cloud: I'm sorry Vincent. . .  
  
Vincent & Cloud: I love you! start kissing  
  
Cid Jr.: points Fagget!  
  
Yuffie: gasps Baby's first word!  
  
The End  
  
A/N: Sorry if this chapter was really shity but PLEASE review! PLEASE! 


	7. Red XIII's Halloween Party

Red XIII's Halloween Party  
  
More insane babble by me.  
  
October 31  
  
Cosmo Canyon, Outside Bugenhagen's lab. . .  
  
Cloud:is in dress looks at address on invitation We're here!  
  
Cid:dressed as Hell Masker You idiot, we've been here a million fuckin' times and you still don't know the goddamned address?!  
  
Cloud: looks at feet No.  
  
Sephiroth: is in Safer-Sephiroth form Oh, shut up! knocks at door w/ tentacle  
  
Red XIII: dressed as Dark Nation opens door from inside What's the password?  
  
Cloud, Cid, and Sephiroth: Trick or treat!  
  
Red XIII: Right you are. Welcome to the party of many profanities! Oh, Cloud, one rule. No ugly masks.  
  
Cloud: Hey! points This is my face!  
  
Group walks in. Inside they see Aeris and Tifa getting drunk, Yuffie snarfing candy, Rufus in an apron standing next to the oven, Barret and Reno carving pumpkins, and Vincent standing over Cait Sith's dead body.  
  
Cloud: walks over to Rufus Say what are you cookin'?  
  
Rufus: Making pie.  
  
Cloud: What for?  
  
Rufus: You'll see. . .  
  
Cloud:. . . walks over to Vincent  
  
Sephiroth: has discovered HUGE CD player w/ surround sound Hey, Red? Mind if I jam some tunes?  
  
Red XIII: has closed door and is now carving his own pumpkin Go ahead, knock yourself out!  
  
Sephiroth: Cool! puts on "One Winged Angel" from Final Fantasy sound track  
  
Cid: Hey, I wanna' listen to the theme, damn it! changes song to theme  
  
Sephiroth: No, we're gonna listen to One Winged Angel! changes song to Angel  
  
Cid: Theme! changes song  
  
Sephiroth: No, Angel! changes song  
  
Cid: Theme! changes song  
  
Sephiroth: Angel! changes song  
  
While Sephiroth and Cid are arguing, Yuffie, who is dressed as an M & M has become so full from candy, she looks like a giant beach ball. Cloud has made it to Vincent.  
  
Cloud: What did you do to 'Sith?  
  
Vincent: is Chaos in a bunny suit 'Sith pissed me off!  
  
Cloud: Ah. So did you use Satan Slam or Hell Dagger?  
  
Vincent: No, a new one. It's called "Shove a Block of C4 Up Cait Sith's Ass."  
  
Cloud: I'd kill for an opportunity like that.  
  
There is a knock on the door.  
  
Red: Aeris, could you get that? The pass word is "Trick or Treat."  
  
Aeris: staggers over to door in slurred voice Whatsthepassword?  
  
Kids: of the ages 4 and 5 Trick or Treat!  
  
Aeris: Comeoninyalittlebrats.  
  
Kids: walk over to candy basket where Yuffie is still gorging herself Hey, lady let us have some!  
  
Yuffie: talking through mouth of chocolate Get your own fucking candy!  
  
Cid and Sephiroth have begun to fight.  
  
Cid: Shoves Venus Gospel into button and punches Sephiroth Theme!  
  
Sephiroth: crushes CD player Angel! chokes Cid w/ tentacle  
  
One of the kids gets too close and Cid uses her as a club.  
  
Cid: THEME!  
  
Yuffie: rolls over to Cid & Sephiroth If you two can't decide, then we're listening to sexually exciting music! changes CD and magically the dead CD player works  
  
Cid & Sephiroth: NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! cover ears  
  
The drunken Aeris and Tifa start dancing and you can guess where it goes from there, given their drunken state and the sex music playing.  
  
Roger S. Huxley (Star Ocean 3): Drools  
  
Cloud: If you'll excuse me, I have a 3-way to make. jumps in w/ Aeris and Tifa  
  
Cid: Stop your loud moaning!  
  
Sephiroth: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!  
  
Rufus: I like this song. egg timer beeps Oooh! My pies are done!  
  
Rufus hands out a cherry pie to everyone. The pies have pictures of ponies made into them.  
  
Barret: I always knew da foo' was seriously messed up.  
  
Red XIII: You said it, punches "thumb" into pie and licks it these aren't even pumpkin pies!  
  
Cid and Sephiroth are afraid to touch their pies for fear of "fagget germs," and Yuffie, as usual, is gorging herself. The little kids steal and eat Aeris, Tifa, and Cloud's pies. Vincent throws his pie at Cait Sith's corpse and laughs maniacally for no apparent reason.  
  
All: Uh. . .  
  
Rufus: starts crying You. . . ruined. . . my pies! Argh!!! goes berserk and beats the shit out of Vincent  
  
Yuffie: eats the remains of every one's pies.  
  
Sephiroth: fat pig.  
  
Cid: Gelatinous swine.  
  
Cloud: Uh. . . Hmm. . . Nope, no more synonyms.  
  
Tifa & Aeris: are too "preoccupied" to say anything  
  
Rufus: At least someone likes my pies! hugs Yuffie  
  
Vincent: I wonder if she melts in your mouth.  
  
Red XIII, Barret, and Reno have finished carving their pumpkins, turned out the lights, and put candles in.  
  
Reno: My first line in this fic! pumpkin is the "silence" battle icon  
  
Barret: You all better not laugh or I pound you're ass! pumpkin is a pony  
  
All:. . . Uh. . .  
  
Red XIII: Tada! pumpkin is a block of C4  
  
Cloud: Sweat! sticks pumpkin up Cait Sith's ass  
  
November 1. . .  
  
TV: And now. . . Cosmo Canyon News @ 6:54! Last night, Bugenhagen's lab, in Cosmo Canyon, blew up under mysterious circumstances. In other news, a giant M&M fell on our fair city. Scientists disected it to reveal pies, large amounts of candy, and a few small children.  
  
The End  
  
Me: So, how you like? I know it was stupid but it was a spur-of-the-moment thing. R+R please. 


End file.
